My experience being on the spectrum

I learned that I was on the spectrum when I was 12 years old, but I didn’t really understand what that meant. I thought I was different from other people, and I had a hard time coming to terms with myself. My thoughts weren’t negative at first, until I did some research about autism and being neurodivergent. Then I had a more difficult time understanding and coming to terms with myself.

Neurodivergent is a term to describe a group of people with brains that process information differently from what’s considered typical. These conditions include Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and many more. I am on the Autism Spectrum Disorder, making me neurodivergent.

Autism Spectrum Disorder, or Asperger’s Syndrome, is a developmental and neurological disorder that affects about 1 in 36 children. Autism is harder to identify with females because we tend to mask our signs of autism, so throughout time autism was actually considered a “male” condition.

Common behaviors vary from repetitive behaviors, social communication and social interactions. Repetitive behaviors can include movement, play or speech patterns. Sometimes people will say that what they are doing is stimulating, or stimming, which can help relieve stress.

My own experience isn’t like how people stereotype someone who is on the spectrum. I have “high functioning” spectrum disorder. High functioning autism isn’t a diagnostic; it’s more of a subtype of autism. What makes it complex to grasp is the variation between people on the spectrum and people who are neurodivergent. 

There is no specific kind of autism, and some can be identified while some haven’t been identified at all. Some traits of autism within me are covering my ears during a loud or irritating situation, flapping my hands around repeatedly or avoiding eye contact when someone is talking to me. 

My problems range from communicating with others, making friends and trying to keep those friends, finding it hard to understand how other people think or feel and sensory issues. My sensory issues include disliking the texture of food or clothes and thinking that certain sounds are too loud.

Throughout my childhood I struggled with eating certain foods with specific textures including chili, eggs, mushrooms and raisins. Specific rough textures throw me off, and the smell of certain foods can irritate me. I was extremely picky when I was young, so I only ate comfort foods including chicken nuggets, fries, and macaroni and cheese. Slowly but surely as I got older, I started liking other foods, and my mother helped me enjoy foods outside of my comfort zone.

I don’t even know how to explain my actual feelings about being on the spectrum. This is called alexithymia, which is pretty common with people who have autism, even those who have post-traumatic stress disorder. What this means is that I can’t personally describe and understand my emotions. I also struggle expressing my emotions genuinely as well as regulating my emotions. Sometimes I can’t feel empathy. This doesn’t mean that I’m apathetic; it just means I can’t fully understand someone else’s emotions at times.

When I was younger, I would feel pretty lonely with people criticizing my flaws. Nobody seemed to understand me. I couldn’t understand what things I enjoyed, my own personal skills or what I disliked. I questioned who I really was or what I was going to be when I grew up.

During 5th grade I finally realized how noticeable my signs of being on the spectrum can be. I realized that I hate bright lights. Certain noises like yelling, fire alarms and large crowds lead to uncomfortable situations. This means that I do not always enjoy pep rallies. The loud yelling and screaming makes me start shaking and cover my ears,  so I wear headphones to help block out anything that will trigger my sensory issues.

I’m also too direct and logical and less concerned on an emotional level, which people can find disrespectful. As a more polite approach, I sometimes say “Not trying to sound rude,” or “Not trying to be mean,” when expressing an opinion. I am not trying to seem off-putting or hurt anyone with my particularly logical thoughts and people seem to appreciate it when I do this. I prefer to be logical, due to the fact that I prioritize being accurate and correct. I try to get my message across accurately rather than an emotional type way.    

These struggles of being on the spectrum affected me to the point where I developed other mental health difficulties. Just talking to people makes me severely anxious, so I developed severe anxiety. I didn’t realize that some of the things I’ve done have probably caused me to develop severe depression as well. It’s always a struggle just to manage my emotions and handle them to where I feel comfortable.

Sometimes I tried something called autism masking, or trying to act like other kids. I would act like someone that I’m not. I wanted to fit in with the other students. I thought that if I hid how “weird” I was I would be more accepted. Trying to be someone that you’re not is hard, especially when you know what you like. I would mirror people’s facial expressions, and I tried to minimize stimming. I didn’t want to be judged, nor did I want to cause an inconvenience for others around me. 

In 7th grade, it clicked that if I accepted the fact I was on the spectrum, I could move forward to find who I truly was. Slowly but surely I stopped hiding the fact I was on the spectrum. I made peace with myself. I felt comfortable expressing my true identity to my friends and embraced the fact I’m neurodivergent. 

I found a love for music that helps express my feelings when I can’t verbally express myself. Music has additionally provided me with a space where I can stimulate myself without distractions. I’ve also realized that I have significant advantages with my autism. I have enhanced logical and cognitive skills that help with problem-solving. 

I started playing chess in the 8th grade and ever since then I have been in love with chess. I don’t play it as much as I used to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it. It’s such an intense thinking game, which can help me hyperfocus because of the strategy and logical thinking needed to win. Another toy I enjoy are Legos which let my imagination go wild. They help me be creative while engaging in problem solving. 

I became academically successful in math, science and engineering. In 8th grade I found my passion: computer and video game programming. I was already in love with video games, so it worked perfectly. This passion taught me to utilize my creativity which allowed me to  understand video games in a new depth. 

Just because I’m on the spectrum doesn’t change the fact that I’m human. It’s a challenge to deal with the disadvantages, but when I came to terms with myself I felt better. I have many people who support me, and my talent for programming makes me feel proud. Being neurodivergent makes me unique, while I process stuff “not normal” and differently from the average person that doesn’t make me weird. Being on the spectrum doesn’t define who I am; I define myself through hard work and my identity.