The swim to school split: Learning to have the mindset of a student athlete

My entire life I have been told I never know when to take no for an answer. I am stubborn, persistent, resilient and driven. I never quit, never rest and never stop thinking how I can become the best version of myself.

Since I was five years old I have always had a general idea of my future, and when I turned twelve, I planned out my entire future in an old journal. Where I wanted to go to college, where I wanted to live afterwards, the job I’d have, the type of house I’d have, the trips I’d go on, the amount of money I’d make. While my interests have changed since I was younger, I have always dreamed big. When I did ballet I wanted to go to Julliard; when I played soccer I wanted to go to the World Cup; when I started swim I knew my ultimate goal was the Olympics.

I knew exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to be smart, athletic, remembered and above all, liked. I don’t know why I’ve always held such a high expectation for myself. In the midst of Covid-19, while my mom talked to my brothers at the kitchen table about what they wanted to do after high school and what classes they wanted to take, I sat with them writing down and researching classes and colleges with good swim teams and engineering programs. I wrote down classes I would need to take and the GPA I would need. I didn’t even know what GPA meant at the time.

I didn’t want to fall into the crowd. I refused to allow myself to be labeled as “average”. I had developed a fear of the word “average” itself. The idea of being average and the fear of failure drove me to hold myself accountable for every setback I experienced. I interpreted the saying “you’re the only thing holding you back” as “I am the only thing that causes my setbacks.” If I didn’t understand something in school, I felt that I wasn’t smart enough. If I was getting passed at swim, I felt that I wasn’t trying hard enough. If someone didn’t like me, I thought I was always the problem.

This thought process followed me up into middle school. I had started competitive swim in the third grade, but now as I was a little older, it felt a little more surreal. Swimming didn’t just become more intense, school became challenging, a concept I was unfamiliar with. School had been so much easier before. I knew everyone was struggling, but I didn’t want to be like everyone else. I wanted to be ahead.

I desperately craved both academic and athletic validation. In my brain, my athletic and academic ability determined both my worth and how people would like me.

The summer before eighth grade I realised how much  my future plans relied more on what I wanted and less of what I was willing to give. I hadn’t been willing to give up my time and I hadn’t been willing to go all in. I was too attached to the past and not focused enough on the future.

When school started back up again in the fall, I began prioritizing. Prioritizing school, swim, nutrition and giving everything I have to earn my dream.

Throughout the summer between middle school and high school, I continued to try to commit myself to my academics and athletics. I devised plans on how I would prioritize my classes, what classes I planned to take in the years after and skills I would improve on. I spent most days  focusing on my technique in the water and my behavior out of the water to ensure I was becoming the best swimmer I could be. But even with my need to improve myself, I have never doubted myself more.

This constant need for improvement has also affected me. Not just positively, but also negatively. I can push myself to my physical and mental limits when I have my mind set on a goal. I am constantly striving for greatness, but most times that means I end up ignoring the little things I’ve accomplished. I sometimes fail to know my own limits and end up pushing myself too far before I’m ready, something I was extremely guilty of both the summer before high school and even now. I’ve worked my way through learning my own weaknesses and in turn strengthening them, but the stubborn part of me has always been apprehensive towards allowing myself to drop my guard in a way.

I’ve been consumed by the thought that if I’m not the best version of myself, and that I’m letting everyone who has helped me to this point down. Even now as I’m aware my value is not based on how much I achieve, I still struggle with the idea that I may not achieve all I’ve worked so hard for.

Sometimes I wish it was easier: that school would be more flexible and understanding to busy students, but that’s why I love what I do so much. I love being a student-athlete because it’s difficult. Challenges are what make a person who they are. Even when I’m at my lowest, even when I mess up, I would never have it any other way.

My friend asked me one time: “if you had to do it all over again, would you still swim and would you still do sports on top of school?” My answer is yes. I would live a thousand times the same way if I could, because I don’t think I’d be any happier doing anything else.

I now realize I will only be as average as I allow myself to be and that failure is subjective. In fact, most things are subjective. What makes someone successful in my eyes could make someone a failure to others. Even if my life doesn’t go how I planned it, I will never actually fail until I give up pursuing my dreams.

Instead of constantly thinking of my sport as a chore and school as a requirement, I see everything as an opportunity, because that’s what everything is. Everything I do, say and think is a reason and opportunity to be better than I was ten minutes ago. Being a student athlete was never about physical ability. It’s about mentality.